A Painful Reminder...

Pain.

It's something that I've dealt with/experienced for the greater part of 16 years.  Ever since that car accident my freshman year at ENC I've dealt with bouts of extreme back pain.  And it's just another painful reminder of how much I need to get this weight off.  I have had so many MRI's, so many X-rays, so many procedures...I've been to almost every physical therapy place in this town.  I've tried many exercise routines.  I've dieted.  I've strengthened.

Out of all the doctors I have seen, there is one theme that runs through all of their diagnoses..."You must lose weight or you will continue to have back pain."  They didn't want to operate on me because when this all started and was at its worst, I was too young.  I was in my mid-twenties when I had to go on temporary disability because I was unable to perform my job at the BSU.  I still can never get a job there again because of my physical limitations.

My weight has gone up quite steadily through the years.  I've gone on diets, I've gone off diets.  I would go through times when I was just happy with myself and how I looked so I'd start eating too much again and didn't care what anyone thought.  Then I would have times when I'd catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel so disgusted...a vicious cycle.  A vicious cycle that must be broken.

And as I sit here and write this, I think of how I slept for most of today (or at least laid in bed) because of the pain medicine I take that just takes the edge off.  And I think of the opportunity to have this surgery that will force me to change the way that I eat.  Having this surgery gives me one of the missing tools that I have needed in order to have great success at losing weight.  Bariatric surgery gives me NO OTHER CHOICE.  And that is something I've been lacking.

I'm so tired of having back pain.  I'm tired worrying about going out of town and having to sleep on a strange bed.  Without fail, I wake up in pain.  I'm ready to not have to worry about that anymore.  Being heavy has taken over so many parts of my life.  The pain is a big reason to go through with the surgery.  I'm ready to get my life back.