It can be a dangerous place to be...alone with your thoughts. Most of the time, however, I look forward to these nights when it's just me and my thoughts. As other things have crowded into my mind, I have kind of put the thoughts of the surgery on the back burner in my brain. However, it's still there. And I have been thinking about when it comes up.
I wasn't really prepared for the mixture of reactions that I received when I first began telling people of my decision for weight loss surgery. I had only heard mainly positive things about the surgery and I've SEEN many positive things in the people I know who have had it. I began hearing stories of complications and of weight gained back after so much was lost. I began hearing tales of sugar-less diets and serious food restrictions. And these things have settled in my mind a bit. But only a bit. The people who told me these things are people I love dearly and I value their opinions very much. Even so...when it comes down to it, the decision has to be my own and it has to be something that I know I will be able to live with for the rest of my life. So, I've come up with several "facts" for myself.
1. Regarding the food restrictions...I have been heavy for most of my life. The food I eat is mainly what got me to this place. Of course I enjoy desserts (probably more than anyone I know, actually) and I will miss indulging in them on a "regular" basis. But, that doesn't mean I won't be able to indulge. I will have to indulge differently. Someone I know who had the surgery offered me a sugar-less brownie the other day and it was delicious. I could eat that in place of my regular sweets. I'm sure there are many things that I can substitute for the Resee's Peanut Butter Cups I love so much. But eating that way is what got me to where I am. I don't want to be this weight anymore. I want to be different and BETTER than I am now, physically. Those things have to go anyway. And it's going to take something drastic changing in my life in order for me to have the will power to put them down. You can encourage me all day long. I appreciate the encouragement. But at the end of the day, I WILL hide in my van and eat something I shouldn't eat because I can. I've lived with myself for 35 years. I know me. And I know what I'm capable of.
2. Food isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean, sure it's great and some of it is REALLY great and it sustains us. It is certainly a gift from God. Especially those Resee's Cups. But, it's not the be-all, end-all. It's not GOD and it's not to be placed in such a place of importance in our lives. Will I live if I never eat another Resee's Cup? Yes, I will. I will live BETTER. Food (at times in the past) has become an "idol" of sorts in my life. That's not something I'm proud of. But it's the truth.
3. Regaining the weight back. Dr. Alley said that people who regain the weight back are the people who don't stick to the diet/program. They don't exercise and they don't eat right. And they usually don't come to their appointments. It makes sense that if you don't do what they tell you to do, you will suffer the consequences. I don't intend for that to be me. I'm not going through this just so I can end up looking bad again.
4. This is something that I have to do for myself. I know many people might not understand it. But that's because you're not ME. I've given this a lot of thought for about a year now. I can't begin to explain to you the pain that five herniated disks causes me at times. I can't tell you how I wish just for one day that I had someone else's feet so that I could just walk without feeling pain. That first step in the morning is so painful sometimes I just want to scream.
This is just three of the "facts" I have come up with. And it's getting later so my mind is getting foggier. A family member who had the surgery told me that this is what she told people who tried to talk her out of having the surgery: "I politely informed them that I was doing this for myself, and nobody could talk me out of it. Don't let anybody change your mind. Only you and
your doctor should make the decision for your health."
I do hope that if you're reading this and you don't agree with me having the surgery that you understand that it IS my decision. It is a decision I have made for myself. And I intend to go through with it and have amazing results so that I can live a fuller life. That is my ultimate goal. It's not to go against anyone's advice or make anyone mad or do something really drastic. It's to change my life. I hope that makes sense and I hope that all of you that love me can respect that and come along side me as I continue in this journey.
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