Disturbed

This morning, I'm disturbed.  When I'm disturbed, it helps me to write about it.  So, here I am, meeting with you today.

One of my Facebook friends (actually, a local radio personality) posted an article about Ashley Madison.  The article really rubbed me the wrong way.  I'll rehash it for you.

If you're not sure what Ashley Madison is, their tagline is, "Life is short.  Have an affair."  It's a dating site for married people.  Basically, you sign up and then you have a chance to meet other married people for the purpose of having an affair.

And we wonder why marriages are failing every day?

In the article, a woman discusses the site with her friend, who is using it to meet men outside of her marriage. The woman decides that her marriage isn't everything she'd like it to be either, and thinks that it might be a good idea to check out Ashley Madison for herself.  From the sounds of things, her sex life isn't very good.  While she and her husband used to have sex three times a week, now they're having sex once a week...maybe.  And when they do have sex, it's quite predictable.  She's not getting any younger, and she thinks that having an affair might help her feel better about herself.

She meets a few different men, none of whom are the type of man she's really looking for.  Her new job has longer hours, which gives her an excuse to give her husband for why she's not home at a decent hour.  Of course, he's taking care of the children while she's out dating other men.

Finally, she meets a man who is a doctor.  He's handsome, and he looks younger than his stated age of 43.  They hit it off and decide to get a hotel room for their first romantic tryst.  When she arrives at the hotel room, they go through the motions of having their first sexual encounter, however he isn't able to "perform".  A few weeks later, they try again and it's another failure.

In the end, she decides that what she has at home is good enough, and she doesn't want to lose her husband, her children, her home, or their cottage at the lake.

Well, isn't that a lovely way for this article to end?

It makes me sick.

I've been the victim of infidelity in marriage.  Let me tell you...it's the worst feeling ever to know your husband has been cheating on you.  I've never felt so betrayed in all my life.  Once I was able to reassure myself that I hadn't contracted an STD from his affair, I had to heal from the hurt of not being good enough for him.  I had to help my small children through the situations they were facing with a looming divorce.  I had to work through my own feelings of self-worth and being able to trust someone again.

Anyone who turns to something like Ashley Madison for an affair (or anyone who simply has an affair) is a coward.  Not only that, but they're also lazy.  It takes two people to keep a marriage working, not one.  And you know what?  Sometimes when one person isn't giving enough of themselves to the marriage, you have to do their work for them too.  Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, and people who believe that it is will get divorced.  Being married means giving 100% of yourself.  And in those times when you can't, your partner should be giving 100% to make up for what you're lacking.

If you're struggling in your marriage, I want to encourage you to do something about it.  Sit down and have a talk with your spouse about what you're feeling.  If you're not having enough sex, tell them.  If money issues are plaguing you, bring them out into the open.  When you take the time to have a conversation with your spouse, you'll be amazed at what you can learn about each other.

When you married your husband or wife, you took vows to stick by that person until death do you part.  Assuming that there's no abuse in your marriage, those are vows you should keep.  There is absolutely nothing that would cause me to break my vows to my husband.

Was I at fault for my first marriage failing?  I believe I did the best I could at the time.  However, I also believe there are some things I could have done better.  Looking back on it, I know that ultimately he was not willing to get help for his problems.  These are problems that are still issues for him to this day.  His second marriage has already failed.  Mine has only gotten stronger over the past six years.

I'll close with this...

If you've considered having an affair, don't.  The pain you'll endure isn't worth it.  The guilt will drive you crazy.  Instead, think of the person you made vows to.  Look back and remember what it is that made you fall in love with that person in the first place.  If your marriage is broken, don't throw it away.  Fix it.

Do it today.