#1 Fan

I simply could not let the death of Davy Jones go with a blog about him...so here goes.

Where do I begin?

I guess this love affair with Davy Jones began when I was 10 years old.  I remember watching Monkees episodes on television.  I can't remember what day of the week they were on.  But I seem to remember watching them in the afternoon during the summer.  I'm sure they were probably on Saturday mornings too.  It was that year that I was introduced to my now best friend, Heather.  Her mother was an avid Monkees fan.  She had all of their albums (and they were actually albums).  We used to sit in her bedroom and listen to the Monkees music all day, all night...I was falling in love.

As time wore on, we learned of their reunion tour in 1986, however it was too late to go and see them when they came to our home town.  We missed that show.  We hoped that they would come somewhere close again but it didn't happen during that tour.  Instead, we took to reading all of the teen magazines we could where The Monkees were featured.  We hung up posters in our bedrooms and cut out smaller pictures from the magazines to create "collages" for our walls.  I wish I had taken a picture of what my room looked like back then.  It was pretty amazing.  I remember Heather and I listening to Davy sing and just closing our eyes, completely mesmerized by his voice.  It wasn't long before we started writing.  We each had notebooks full of  "articles" about The Monkees that we wrote.  We recorded all of their statistical data and memorized it by heart.  I think I ended up having two or three binders full of "Monkee Notes" by the time I finished writing them.  We also began writing stories about The Monkees, in which we were both featured.  In my stories, I always ended up falling in love with Davy.  Usually, Heather fell in love with Peter.  Ha-ha...I made that up to her several years later in a story that I wrote for her called "Heather's Story".  But, I digress...

As the phenomena died down a little bit and we grew into teenagers, their music became something we listened to occasionally, looking at each other with secret smiles.  This was "our" thing.  This was something that we shared.  We had tried to let others in.  But our brothers were not very willing participants in our Monkees Fan Club and they certainly didn't want to act in the play we wrote about The Monkees when we were eleven.  The Monkees was a link that we shared.  I was always quick to let others know that I was a Monkees fan.  Even though I was growing up and beginning to listen to other things.  I became a born again Christian when I was 15 and I began listening mostly to Christian music.  Even so, anyone who knew me (and who knew Heather) knew that the Monkees was our first love, musically.

In the late 90's, we learned of a 30 year reunion tour.  Heather and I were ecstatic.  We got tickets to see The Monkees in Binghamton.  I was so excited, I hardly slept the night before.  Here I was, 20 years old, and I was FINALLY going to see them in person for the first time.  Our tickets were in the second row.  As the show started and the guys came out to their theme song (Hey Hey We're The Monkees), I screamed louder than I have ever screamed before.  And I almost fainted.  I had to sit down and put my head between my legs.  No joke.  When I recovered, I stood back up and Heather and I refused to sit down with the rest of the audience to watch the show.  As they sang "Last Train To Clarksville", Micky came over to where we were standing, dancing, and motioned for us to sit down so the people behind us could see.  ONLY because it was Micky asking, we sat down.  That night, I came home and wrote one more "Monkee Note".  It was the last one I have ever written.

I saw The Monkees a few times after that time.  I saw them in Boston in 1997, and again in Massachusetts a year later.  Then Davy started going out on the road to do shows by himself.  Micky was doing his own thing and Peter had his band Shoe Suede Blues.  Heather and I somehow roped her mom into taking us to Long Island to see Davy.  ("You mean that show is in Long Island??  Wow!  I wish we had known that BEFORE we bought the tickets!")  A few years later, Heather and I went to Northumberland, PA to see Davy again.  Only this show was different.

We got there early.  It was a buffet dinner with a show afterwards.  Our seats were very close to the stage.  As we entered the building, there was a sign on the door that read that Davy would be signing autographs after the show.  I was beside myself.  It had been my dream to one day get to meet Davy.  This was my chance!  Thankfully, I had brought along a copy of his autobiography.  I had gotten it for my 13th birthday.  I was so excited.  I had never wanted a show to be over so bad!  Davy put on an amazing performance of course.  And after the show, Heather and I got in line to meet him and get his autograph and a picture with him.

When it was my turn, I clutched my book to my chest, smiled at him and asked him not to laugh at the condition my book was in.  I showed it to him and of course, he laughed at how worn out it was.  I defended myself with, "Well, I've read it a few times!"  He said, "Yes I can see that!"  I was in heaven as he posed for a picture with Heather and I and then we left.  When we got outside, I was shaking so badly that Heather had to help me put my coat on.  And I burst into tears.  I never understood why fans cried when the object of their adoration was close to them...now I did.  It was a long time before I regained control of myself.  It was a magical night indeed.

I saw Davy a few more times.  He was playing in San Diego when I was in California and my took my Aunt Alberta to see two shows at the State Fair.  I got another autograph and a picture with Davy at that show.  I got to dance with him while he sang "A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You" in that show too.

I saw Davy again in Massachusetts.  It was during that show that I managed to get myself in his path while he was moving through the audience, singing "Girl".  I threw my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.  It was really awesome.  

And so, because of all of this history, when I found out a few days ago of his death, I was indeed grieving.  I still am to some extent.  I have such fond memories and I have had so many encounters with Davy.  It doesn't seem right that he's gone now.  He was so young.  I used to ask Heather every summer if this was the year we could go to find Davy's house in Beavertown, PA.  She always said no and called me a stalker.  I was hoping that this year she might say yes.  When I was 13, I got a tambourine for Christmas.  I was hoping to get Davy to sign that tambourine for me some day.  

I'm thankful that I have these memories.  I'm thankful that I was able to meet Davy the few times that I did.  He was always very gracious.  Talking to him was like talking to an old friend.  I can only pray that Davy knew Jesus as his Savior.  I pray with all of my heart that he did.  

I have heard from so many people since Davy passed away, people that I haven't spoken to in years have said to me, "When I heard that Davy died, I thought of you immediately."  That says something, I think.  My best friend from college used to say the same thing to me every time we would make a new friend:  "Did you tell them you're a Monkee?"  Haha...it was branded on me, I guess.  And it still is, after all these years.  

My name is Nicole...and I'm Davy Jones' #1 Fan.  

Weariness...HYOH

Oh, yes...it's real.  And I've experienced it to the max this past week.  It's partially my fault...the projects I've taken on.  Let me explain.

If you're just reading my blog for the first time, go back a few months and update yourself on the job I decided to take working with Dr. Addams.  A few weeks ago found us with a terrible billing error in the office.  Now, as you can imagine, a billing error is a big deal when you're a "small" medical office.  It's not like Dr. Addams has other physicians she can fall back on to make money.  She doesn't have an administration overseeing everything like a hospital does or even a larger medical clinic.  She started this practice on her own.  So, when there's a billing error, it's a big deal.  Granted, this error could have been prevented, but it wasn't.  The result was the firing of one of my co-workers.  It was a sad day.  I could see it coming as I headed into work that morning.  Even though I didn't think it was possible.  This person was THE BEST person we had in the office.  She knew her job in and out and knew most other jobs too.  So, it's been a time of catch up for the past few weeks.  And then this morning, the blow was dealt to me that the office manager (the former co-worker's best friend) was resigning.  The result?

I have two weeks to learn as much as I can, from a reluctant, on-her-way-out, co-worker, so that I can learn how to run the office the way it should be run. 

Panic?  Yes.  I did.

My panic was set at ease somewhat, however, when Dr. Addams called me into her office and let me know that she would cancel her patients for the next few weeks to "properly" train me to run the office.  She has such confidence in me.  It kind of blows my mind sometimes.  It seems as though when she wants something done right, she gives it to me to do.  One day, a few weeks ago, I gave her something that I had typed for her (a letter for a patient's doctor, I think) and she glanced at it and looked at me and said, "Did you do this?"  I said, "Yes."  She said, "Did you read over it?"  I said, "Yes."  She immediately signed her name and gave it back to me.  I was blown away.  She had THAT much faith in me, to sign her name to a document going to another professional that I had written without even looking at it???  Wow...no pressure there...

As I've had some time alone tonight, I've given thought to a few things though.  I am only one person.  I am a good worker.  I'm dedicated and I'm loyal.  But I'm only me.  And I can only do the work that I can do.  I can't try to do everyone's job.  I can't worry about the stuff that I can't do.  That's what these next two weeks is going to be about.  It's going to be me learning how to do the best job that I can do.  Not how to do the best job that, in a perfect work, superwoman could do.  I have to remember that.  I have to be realistic with myself.  I have to remember who I am and who God has called me to be.  I cannot let my work run my life.  I have to leave my work when I leave that office.  I have to.  If I don't, my family suffers, my marriage suffers and I will become someone I don't want to be, and who God doesn't want me to be.  He has called me to do my best as though I am doing it for Him.  I will do THAT job.  I will work as though for HIM.  I will not burn myself out.  I will not put too much pressure on myself to try and manage more than I can manage. 

I finished editing a book tonight.  It was a great story about a man who hiked the Appalachin Trail from Georgia to Maine.  He took breaks for various reasons, but he started in March and he finished in September. He had perseverance and he reached his goal at his pace.  He was injured and he had to stop from time to time for this and for other things, but he got back on the trail at the same place he got off and he continued until he reached the top of that mountain in Maine.  His mantra was H.Y.O.H.  Hike Your Own Hike.  How simple.  How wise. 

And I will. 

I will continue on to what I KNOW God has called me to do.  God never promised that it wouldn't be hard.  He never promised that I wouldn't have obstacles.  I knew that when I took this job.  I will pray for God to use me even more than He already has in this practice.  I will pray for God to give me wisdom to do the best job that He has called me to do.  He will not leave me in this.  That's not in His character.  And I will get through this rough time in my professional career.  When it's over, this office is going to be more efficient and I will be satisfied knowing that I was a key component in getting it to that stage. 

HYOH...It might be my new life motto. 

LONG Day...LOTS Done

Friday was definitely a long day for me.  But I got so much done.  Friday was the day that I did all of my tests for my surgery.  I arrived at Guthrie in Sayre around 8 am.  First stop was to see the Dietician.  She is really nice.  Her name is Adrienne and she's going to be assisting me throughout this journey.  She'll be the one helping me to know what to eat and what to avoid.  We had a nice visit and she gave me a food diary that I have to begin recording what I'm eating in.  This is key because keeping this food diary and beginning to change my eating habits right now shows them that I'm serious about how I will change how I eat even after the surgery.

After I met with Adrienne, I went to my appointment with the psychologist, Dr. Lichtenstein.  I know...he's got the perfect psychologist's name, doesn't he?  He talked to me about my eating habits and the emotional side of the change this surgery will make in me.  At the end, he told me that he was going to clear me for the surgery.  Whew...at least I know I'm not crazy...and I've got a professional's opinion that says I'm not!

On to the lab.  12 vials of blood later...I was on my way to X-ray.  I thought I was in for a simple X-ray but in fact, I was scheduled for an upper GI series.  I got my exercise in for the day as I had to drink this nasty stuff and roll all over the table to coat my stomach and then roll this way and that while they took pictures of my stomach.  It wasn't all that bad.  And the doctor had a dry sense of humor that I found rather amusing.  It was almost 12:30 by the time I was headed home.

I have to go back and see Adrienne with my food journal in a month.  Then I will see Dr. Alley again and hopefully schedule my surgery, assuming that everything was fine with my blood work.  I'm thinking my surgery will probably be sometime after Christmas.  What a way to begin the new year!

Another Update

I just realized that I haven't eaten anything of substance since noon.  I figured I had better eat something before I have to fast until around 11 o'clock tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow is my big appointment in Sayre, PA.  I have to meet with a psychiatrist, dietician, have a full blood work panel done, and then have an x-ray tomorrow.  That will satisfy all of my requirements before we schedule my surgery.  I'm pretty sure that tomorrow I will make my pre-surgery appointment.

It's all coming together, it seems.  I suffered through the sleep study and only hallucinated a little bit while I was trying to stay awake for my last day of work at the Center and then Trunk or Treat.  I keep thinking things about myself and about how I want myself to look.  I think about how uncomfortable I am just to sit.  All the time.  It's hard to figure out what to do with my hands.  Most people of normal size don't think about these things.  They just fold their hands in their lap.  I can't do that and be comfortable.  I think about going up and down the stairs at work constantly.  My office is upstairs so I have to go up there several times a day.  When I get up there, I'm out of breath.  There are many other things.  The pain I experience is a huge one.  Every day, that first step out of bed...a painful reminder that the plantar fascitis is still going strong in my foot.  The back injury that haunts me out of nowhere, just because I do a silly thing like sleep in a strange bed in a hotel room one night.  All of that can (and will be) a thing of the past.  I look forward to that day.

And then my job.  I do like my job.  I am eager to finish my training so that I can take complete charge of the office and get things more organized.  So many issues there are all being thrown at me at one time and it's easy to see why I was hired.  At first, I wondered a little bit.  But now, I understand.  It makes perfect sense. And I'm looking forward to making the office a better place for people to work.  I had to fire my first person today.  Even though I did it in a round about way, I still felt bad.  I say "round about" because I only handed her a letter of dismissal and then asked for her keys, since I wasn't her supervisor to begin with.  It's tough to be the heavy hand.  I'm learning this first-hand.  I spent most of the day working on the schedule for the next week because people have to be shifted a little bit at first so that all of us "newbies" can get our training.  These first few weeks are going to be tough.  But then, things should settle down some.

I must say, I do enjoy the feeling of being in charge.  I feel like I have a pretty level head on my shoulders and usually I can look at a situation and say, "No, I think it would work better if we did it THIS way."  And usually, when people have taken my advice in the past, it has worked.  I enjoy praising the workers at Dr. Addams' office for the hard work that they do.  I think we have a good team of people together now.  And I think if we all pull together and work hard for these next few weeks, we can make that good team of people an EXCEPTIONAL team of people.

It is after 11 now as I write this.  I have to be up early to drive to Sayre tomorrow.  So, I will say good night. And I'll update again tomorrow about my appointments in Sayre.  Thanks for reading.

Update...On All Things ME!

I thought I should post an update so the world knows what's up with me these days...

Well, I had my sleep study, which was the first test I had to undergo for my surgery.  It was a difficult night to say the least.  I had six electrodes attached to my head, a few on my face, two on my chest, two on each leg, and two different kinds of hoses up my nose.  And then they said, "Now go to sleep".  Difficult.  But apparently, I did sleep for a little while.  It was enough time for them to get the data that they needed.  I spent the next day being entirely exhausted and by the end of the day, I was hallucinating...just a little.  That day was my last day working at the Center.  It was nice.  They took me out to lunch at Garcia's and Robin gave a really nice gift (a box of chocolate).  I know that I will miss working there.  But I am also excited about where God is leading me next.

Yesterday was my first full day of working at Dr. Addams' office.  When I walked in, I was greeted with "You should get settled in because we have lots to tell you!"  Oh, boy.  The day was full of that kind of thing and I did my best to muddle through.  I ended up working late because the evening receptionist wasn't coming in and they were starting a new evening receptionist yesterday.  I might not be a seasoned veteran, but I was in charge and I couldn't let her stay there alone all night on her first day.  So...I worked 9-7:30ish last night.  On my first day!  Whew!  It was a toughie.  But I did it!  And I think I scored some more points with Dr. Addams for my work ethic.  She gets very impressed when you go the extra mile.  I am enjoying the busyness of her office.  The day, although long, did seem to go by quite fast.  And there's always something to do.  Which is good.

So, now I'm on to day two.  I don't think this one will be a long one.  It should be a regular day.  At least, that's what I'm counting on!

This Friday the day will be full of lab work and tests and psychiatric examinations.  All of the stuff I have to still get done will be finished Friday and then I believe they will schedule my surgery.  Looking forward to that part!

A Painful Reminder...

Pain.

It's something that I've dealt with/experienced for the greater part of 16 years.  Ever since that car accident my freshman year at ENC I've dealt with bouts of extreme back pain.  And it's just another painful reminder of how much I need to get this weight off.  I have had so many MRI's, so many X-rays, so many procedures...I've been to almost every physical therapy place in this town.  I've tried many exercise routines.  I've dieted.  I've strengthened.

Out of all the doctors I have seen, there is one theme that runs through all of their diagnoses..."You must lose weight or you will continue to have back pain."  They didn't want to operate on me because when this all started and was at its worst, I was too young.  I was in my mid-twenties when I had to go on temporary disability because I was unable to perform my job at the BSU.  I still can never get a job there again because of my physical limitations.

My weight has gone up quite steadily through the years.  I've gone on diets, I've gone off diets.  I would go through times when I was just happy with myself and how I looked so I'd start eating too much again and didn't care what anyone thought.  Then I would have times when I'd catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel so disgusted...a vicious cycle.  A vicious cycle that must be broken.

And as I sit here and write this, I think of how I slept for most of today (or at least laid in bed) because of the pain medicine I take that just takes the edge off.  And I think of the opportunity to have this surgery that will force me to change the way that I eat.  Having this surgery gives me one of the missing tools that I have needed in order to have great success at losing weight.  Bariatric surgery gives me NO OTHER CHOICE.  And that is something I've been lacking.

I'm so tired of having back pain.  I'm tired worrying about going out of town and having to sleep on a strange bed.  Without fail, I wake up in pain.  I'm ready to not have to worry about that anymore.  Being heavy has taken over so many parts of my life.  The pain is a big reason to go through with the surgery.  I'm ready to get my life back.

Day One: The Breakdown

Just to set everyone's mind at ease...I am not talking about MY breakdown, but more the breakdown of my new job.  Just had to clarify that.

My first day was a good one.  And it was a short one, which I was thankful for because my brain was getting a little too full.  Not only was I there to learn the job of the Office Manager, but I was also listening to complaints from a few of the staff about what needs to be done better and changed in the office.  The day began with a short review of some of what I had done previously when I was employed with Dr. Addams.  And then we reviewed patient charts and their contents and talked some about what my duties would be once I got my feet wet.  Apparently, I am going to be "getting my feet wet" pretty quickly.  Dr. Addams wants to bring on a new therapist and that will be my responsibility.  She is also going to be opening a new practice in Ithaca and I will be overseeing part of that project as well.  I honestly don't know how they survived without this position sooner.  I can see a definite need there and I'm eager to get things changed and flowing more smoothly.

There are no policies and procedures.  None.  Zip.  And I can say this...thank God for Robin Savard.  I hope that she reads this post because what I am about to say is straight from my heart...Robin, you have been so instrumental in preparing me to take this position.  I have learned so much from you in the few years that I have sat under your leadership.  I have learned what makes an office work and what doesn't.  I've watched you handle different situations with employees and seen them change for the better because of your skills in leadership.  I've learned from your discussions about different problems you've dealt with.  But above all, I have seen God shine through you as you have always been dedicated to seeking out His wisdom and His heart for your position as a leader.  All day long today I kept thinking "What would Robin do?"  "Robin would flip if she saw this!"  And I thank you for setting that standard so high in ME because now, those tools are needed elsewhere.  And I'm humbled that God has seen fit to use me to help bring a different office to a higher standard of excellence.  I will always be grateful for the things that you have shown me and taught me.  Your willingness to be obedient to God and seek Him in your leadership has spilled out into my life.  Thank you!

And of course, I have to thank Holly as well.  On Monday, Holly spent part of our holiday sitting with me and going over a lot of the forms that she uses as our Executive Director.  I am quite sure that these forms do not exist at Dr. Addams' office...yet.  Holly, you lead with such a sweet spirit and yet you command that authority (No, not the "Do what I say" authority either...but REAL authority) by just your presence and your countenance.  I am thankful that you lead the way that you do as well because I'm going into a position where I'm not going to be the favorite person in the office and I needed that example of that sweet spirit.  God needed me to see that in you so that I could learn how to lead with that same sweetness.  In the few short months that I have known you, I have also learned from your creativity.  You have been so eager to make changes for the better and those changes have served to enhance the Center so much.  I am also thankful for your decision-making process.  Because even though I'm not working in a Christian ministry at Dr. Addams' office, I still need to make decisions the way God would have me make them.  Thank you for being obedient to God in your position as our leader.

And so now, I move forward.  I will finish out my time at the Center (I'll find out tomorrow when I will be finished working there) and I will move on to this next phase of my career with joy in my heart because I know that this is where God has ordained me to be.  I am so thankful for God's provision and for His perfect timing.